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Helping Grievers Heal by Hurting

Last time, you and I gave spiritual care to a motor vehicle accident patient whose true story is recorded in her electronic medical record on the day she labelled herself a murderess and opened the torrential floodgates of sorrow. Entering her tragedy to represent the Master [See “Getting ‘In-There’ with Heavy Grievers,” August 26. 2016 entry on this site.] Who is immersed in it with her, helped. He would go with her. She was being consoled by the “Wonderful, Counsellor.” She was going to let herself sink into the arms of “The Prince of Peace.” [Isaiah 9:6 , KJV].

1. Christ taught facing reality. “Jesus said…’You will understand the truth and the truth will make you free.'” [John 8:31-32, Worldwide English].

In a room nearby, the husband of the accident’s fatality presented a remarkably faith-supported exterior. His life had just been ransacked by the tragic sudden abolishment of his 58-year marriage! While his faith kept him from dissolving in a torrent of hopelessness, gazing only at bright heaven blinded him to the work he must do that day in the ER. Grief ministry is counter-intuitive. I’m sure sometimes staffers call me, hoping I’ll stand up like Jesus in a tumultuous hurricane of tears, sweat, and mucous to command ER decorum with, “Peace! Be still!” What a wonder it must be to them when instead I stand by in silence, only passing tissues and moistening wash cloths! Medical professionals are symptoms-focused. They assess a patient’s condition

by what they can see and measure. Modern physicians even take an ancient oath handed down from the Father of Western Medicine, Hippocrates of Kos (460-370 BC), a Greek contemporary of Plato and Socrates. Doctors pledge to “Do no harm.” The Lord Himself agrees with the classical Grecian. “Hard trials and temptations are bound to come, but too bad for whoever brings them on! Better to wear a millstone necklace and take a swim in the deep blue sea than give even one of these dear little ones a hard time!” [Luke 17:2, Message]. So, if the patient and their family have MORE tears and moaning after the Chaplain arrives, how can that be helpful?! Answer: They’re facing the truth. Even though it hurts, they’re moving forward. Grief support isn’t medicine for body parts. Helping grievers hurt heals the heart in their head! Adventist Pastor/Chaplain Larry Yeagley, author of Grief Recovery and facilitator of hundreds of groups describes hurting as a task to be accomplished. Jesus taught the importance of facing reality. When it comes to grief, putting off the pain is doing harm. Facilitating grief assists grievers through symptoms and pain to the other side! ”The truth will make you free."

2. Christ gives grief as a therapeutic blessing. “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” “God blesses those people who grieve. They will find comfort!” “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.” [Matthew 5:4, KJV, Contemporary English Version, the Message] The eminent professor of Christian counseling, Dr. Archibald Hart, says grief is God’s gift, a productive form of depression which leads to healing. Jesus double-assures grievers,”Verily, verily I say unto you that ye shall weep and lament…but your sorrow shall be turned into joy. A woman, when she gives birth to a child, has grief because her hour has come; but when the child is born, she no longer remembers the trouble, on account of the joy that a man has been born into the world.” [John 16:20-22, DARBY] Accustomed to my part of our whole-person ministry, no Emergency Department staffers seemed blown away by my sentimental facilitation of the apparently tranquil widower’s grief. Their wedding, next anniversary, favorite dishes, nothing eased him into his postponed task of hurting. Before he allowed himself to admit his own great loss, he would have to feel it through another’s broken heart.

3. Christ designed empathy as a heart-mending modality. ”Carry the burdens of one another, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” [Galatians 6:2, Lexham English Bible]. The new widower listened intently as I described the other driver’s feelings of remorse. Weeping into the second hour?! Self-condemnation had lacerated her heart worse than the accident?! She couldn’t feel her wounds beneath the gauze and tape because of the ache at her core?! He was listening to the other driver’s broken heart instead of displaying and depicting an artificial painless piety. I asked him if he’d like to see the other driver. After only moments of embracing the brokenhearted young woman, the new widower also embraced her grief and finally allowed his own grief to surface. They had stepped down over the same ambulance bumper! The death destroying her was his, too. Being sorry for the crying driver had prepped the husband for his own relief. This was a good man not because he could face tragedy dry-eyed. This was a good man because he felt the other driver’s suffering. And, then he could receive God’s gift of grief and heal by hurting. I knew he would be alright in time as he chose to be wheeled from the ED with tear-blurred vision.

Jesus, Our Mentor, makes it as clear as 1-2-3. He’s told us how to help grievers heal by hurting.

Can you see how telling grievers to “buck up” or “get over it,” or that their deceased loved one “wouldn’t want you to cry” actually works against their recovery?